Serenity

Amid the stress of everything lately I’ve had bad headaches and been all over the place mentally. Every muscle in my body has been aching with the tension, I haven’t been sleeping much and my brain has been non stop worrying. Tonight is different. Thank the Lord!

He’s gone away for 3 days for his stag do. I have the whole house to myself and the silence and peace has really helped. I’ve come home from work and ordered a takeaway, ate myself into oblivion and then took a nap. After an hour I woke up and had a candlelit bath with bubbles and chilled out music and I felt this wave of calm wash over me and for the first time in a week, my headache went away.

My mind is calm. My heart isn’t constantly pounding out of my chest anymore. It’s so tranquil I feel like I could easily drift off into a lovely deep sleep soon. In a king size bed all alone, I’ll be able to stretch out, there’ll be nobody wriggling next to me or snoring. Absolute bliss!

I can’t express how happy this has made me. I desperately needed this with the stress of the wedding. 10 days to go and this time away from him and having my own little bubble to live in for 3 days may have rescued me mentally because this weekend I was convinced I was heading for a breakdown. Batteries are slowly recharging and I’m thankful this has happened. He’s having an amazing time with the lads too and I’m happy for him because he’s never really had a lads holiday.

Ah well, time to go to bed and drift into a wonderful sleep safe in the knowledge that I have 2 more days of this heaven!

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Bipolar Bridezilla

13 days to go and I’m a complete mess. Pulling off the I’m absolutely fine smile most of the time but then that takes its toll too.

I am a super organised person so when I tried to message people to arrange things and they don’t reply in a whole day I start getting very frustrated. I need a fitting, I need my final meeting at the venue, I’ve tried to sort this but no reply yet! I like to have my week ahead planned and I can’t plan fuck all yet until they get back to me. It’s driving me insane.

I’ve made a list of things to do and there’s quite a bit on there and I just want it done, and done now. I have no time off work either so I need to get all of it done after work or at weekends and I am EXHAUSTED. Having downtime to just sit and recharge is so important to my mental wellbeing and I haven’t the time at the moment.

I had a scary funny turn while out shopping today, my eye started drooping and twitching. It was so bad that my partner was concerned. Apparently I spaced out for a few minutes and just stood there, he thought I was having a stroke! I wasn’t luckily but it’s still weirded me out. I had a feeling like an electrical storm in my brain at the time and then a super bad headache and I’m putting this all down to tiredness and stress. I had to come home and nap and I don’t have time to waste really!

I keep crying over silly things, getting angry and frustrated, getting depressed and very negative and then other times I’m super excited. I’m all over the place and out of control. I’m trying to just ride the wave but as time draws nearer to the wedding I’m having worse and worse mood swings. I am being awful to my partner because of being tired and stressed and I can’t comprehend why he’s so chill about it all.

I am so scared to have everyone looking at me. I hate being the centre of attention. I project this persona of being super confident and not giving a fuck but I’m super self conscious really. I feel like my wedding photos are going to be awful because I am not photogenic at all. I’m like super ugly and I’m fat and I just hate my appearance. I’m scared somethings going to go wrong on the day like I forget my dance moves or something and just end up looking stupid. I’m scared my mother shows up and causes a scene and I have to get the police or something crazy like that. I’m scared my godfathers speech is going to talk about my dad and make me sob endlessly.

Then there’s the other thoughts. What if after all of this we break up. I’ve heard of the wedding curse where people split up after they get married and I’m terrified of that happening. I’m well aware how lucky I am to have him, I’m certainly not good enough for him that’s for sure and he puts up with so much shit from me it’s unreal. I don’t think there’s another soul out there who could deal with me.

My only solace through all of this is that I have 2 weeks off after the wedding. 2 weeks of lie ins, not having to worry about anything. I can’t wait it’s desperately needed! I just hope I can keep it together until then. Not descend into complete breakdown.

Why didn’t I book the week before my wedding off? God I’m so stupid! Thinking oh it’ll be fine but clearly that would have been the wiser thing to do so I had more time to sort stuff and more time to chill. Too late now just going to have to suck it up and crack on. Omg I’m literally losing the fucking plot. Guess I’ll lie awake another night fretting and maybe sit and have a cry in the bath at 3am as per usual. Why is my life like this man?! *screams*

Brain Duality?

Anyone else literally feel like they have two sides of their brain? Like angel and demon, naughty and nice? I’m constantly battling the sides. Trying to shut the demon up, listen to the angel but it sometimes doesn’t work. Constant voices telling me to do the polar opposite of each other.

So I’ve been up and down all day again rapid cycling and I went from laughing and smiling this afternoon to leaving work at 9pm crying for no reason. I’m all over the place. I know I’m a hot mess. I’m doing all my cognitive behavioural tools to the best of my ability to stop the demonic side from winning or holding the limelight for too long. Sometimes though, he keeps peeking through…

I didn’t say bye to my friend when I left work because I was about to cry and didn’t want anyone seeing that because I didn’t even have a valid reason for feeling sad. I got home and the demon was like ‘she’s going to be mad at you now, you didn’t say bye’ and then the angel was like ‘don’t be stupid, she’ll be fine’ ‘She’s not going to be your friend anymore’ ‘Now your being really silly’ and as much as I tried to ignore the demon he wouldn’t let me relax until I’d literally texted the girl to get reassurance that she wasn’t mad. And guess what, she wasn’t mad. Luckily this isn’t the first time I’ve sent her a ‘are you still my friend’ text. She’ll rip the piss out of me for it another day and we’ll laugh it off.

That wasn’t the end of it. So I’m sitting here boiling hot and my partner joked I should take my top off. Immediately the demon, why would he want to see you, he doesn’t even fancy you. Like ridiculous he’s marrying me in 3 weeks time. But you know what it came out of my mouth anyway. ‘Do you find me attractive still?’. Without a moments hesitation he piped up ‘Will you give your psychosis a fucking memo please, of course I do why else did I want your top off to see ya tits’. And I just burst out laughing. And this is why he’s going to be my husband. Because he knows how to shut that demon up and banish him in a flash.

Thank god I have people that understand this weird aspect of my personality and accept it. I would roll my eyes at me most of the time so I bet their eyes are really sore by now! Forever sorry for being the absolute head blag I can be at times. At least I’m self aware. Aware I can be a right daft moron. Lol.

Neighbour Drama

One more thing to add to my list of things that are beating me down lately. A noise complaint from the council. I received a letter yesterday stating that I apparently sing and play loud music late at night and in the early hours of the morning all the time as well as slamming doors and my garden gate and I have nuisance visitors all the time.

I wish my life was that fucking exciting! I have like 2 house parties a year, both on a Saturday, one at new year and one near my partners birthday in February. I have lived here for 9 years and have had 2 parties a year for the entire time. Not a single complaint over 9 years so I am more than perplexed as to where these claims are coming from and I am livid.

Firstly, if I did make any noise ever why can’t they just knock on my door and say something instead of running to the council. Secondly, I’ve sat racking my brain wondering what they could possibly complain about and I can’t think of anything. Late at night and early hours I’m generally either asleep or sitting watching tv in my living room, certainly not outside singing. I feel these claims are false and malicious. Another possibility is that I’m being blamed for noise others are making because I’m the youngest in the street.

I don’t know who’s made the complaint either which is really annoying me. I’ve had a good relationship with my neighbours for 9 years so I have no idea why all of a sudden there is an issue with me. I was planning on having a house party after my wedding next month. My partner says we shouldn’t have that now incase it angers the neighbours but I’m of the opinion fuck them. At least if we make noise then it’ll be a justified complaint! I don’t see why my wedding night should be ruined.

Teenagers stand at my back fence every Friday and weekend drinking, making loads of noise, playing music on their phones and screeching. Am I getting the blame for noise at my back fence that has nothing to do with me? My neighbour across the street slams her car doors at 5am every single day, is anyone complaining about that? Has someone complained about my 2 house parties a year because I mean, get a life. Twice a year is hardly a big deal, it’s hardly ruining someone’s life and my guests are told to leave quietly and like I said nobody complained in the 9 years we have been doing this.

There’s a new neighbour in the street who is already causing me bother, keeps blocking my car in rather than using her own drive. She seems to think she owns the street, gives me dirty looks all the time, steals my bin all the time and is generally being provocative but I’m just ignoring this. Could it be her who’s complained despite her not living here when I had my last party? I have so much stress and stuff at the minute I’m literally shaking with rage over this now I want to find out who it is and rip their fucking head off. Lived here ages and now I feel I don’t wanna live here anymore, don’t even want to look at any of my neighbours because I don’t know who the rat is. It’s sad really. Can’t wait until I can afford a mortgage and move the fuck away from here and get a detached house away from people. One things for sure, they better not make a single peep of noise outside acceptable hours from now on because I’ll complain every single time, see how they like it.

If I did make noise I’d hold my hands up and apologise. But accuse me wrongly like they have done and now I’m on the fucking war path! I’ll give them something to complain about. See how they like heavy metal blasting every minute of acceptable hours where they can’t do fuck all. I’ve been a good neighbour, they’ve ruined it now, now I’ll be a nightmare. Absolute fucking tosspots.

Crying

I keep crying on and off and it’s been like this for a couple of days now. It comes over me like a wave. I don’t feel particularly sad, I have plenty to look forward to so I don’t know why this is happening.

I’m hoping it’s just my hormones, could be the immense stress I’m under, I don’t know. I’m not usually a massive crier though that’s the thing I’m more of an angry upset. I literally spent my lunchtime yesterday in a back lane by myself, I didn’t want to be around anyone, and I sat crying into my salad on and off for an hour.

I woke up this morning, he forgot to put the bins out. Not a massive issue right? Wrong. I just sat sobbing on my sofa so already today I’m on my way to work with puffy eyes. I got myself a taxi to work because I didn’t want to sit sobbing on the bus. I’m now sat in said taxi trying not to cry. I seriously need to get a grip. I’m just praying I make it through another day at work without incident. Pray for me.

Losing It

I cannot get one moment of happiness or peace without some absolute bellend ruining my mood. I’m sick to the back teeth of my partners aunt. I had my hen do on Saturday had the most amazing night of my life and then she has to go ruin my mood on Sunday because she’s an absolute mind fuck. Phoning me because her own mum isn’t well, telling me to go round there to check on her, look after her while she’s at home getting ready to go see her mate. You can’t fucking care that much if you’ve just fucked off and left her. And it’s an awkward situation for me because if I don’t run it’s not her who suffers it’s an innocent 84 year old who may need assistance. So I have no choice I’m trapped! Good job I wasn’t hungover isn’t it! So I went round sorted her out she was just dehydrated, whatever I thought, I have tomorrow off, I’ll have a lie in and get some peace.

WRONG! I’m lay in bed and hear banging like my front door is being kicked in. Naturally I flew into fight or flight heart racing not knowing what the hell was going on, flew down the stairs and scream who is it at the door. It’s me! Open the door now! Couldn’t find my keys could I, didn’t have any pants on either. I told her to wait but she kept banging n banging, barely got the key turned before she nearly knocked me out with the door. My mam isn’t answering the phone get round there! Get round there now! I was like here calm down you’ve rang her twice she’s probably just putting some washing in, still screaming in my face, then she stormed off shouting call me when you find out she’s okay. Here’s a fucking idea, go find out yourself. Took a few minutes after that for me to realise what the hell just happened and I phoned her mum and sure enough she’d been in the kitchen. All that drama and causing a scene in my street for fuck all. Absolutely raging I was! Couldn’t go back to bed, adrenaline was too high, another lie in ruined.

Later on when I saw her not a single word of apology or thanks. I figured as my lie in was ruined I may as well go round make sure her mums hydrated, do some washing for her, make sure she eats etc. I was too mad to say anything because her mum was there in the room and I didn’t want to blow my stack in front of her and I knew I’d go for the jugular so I just went to leave. As I’m leaving she pipes up asking me when I’m fixing her tv. I just said my partner can do it, it’s his aunt after all. But she was like ah but he’ll be tired. OH HE’LL BE TIRED FUCK IF IM TIRED THEN. I’m just your slave. I didn’t do it, I walked out.

I’ve told my partner how I feel about his aunt and he’s just not wanting to get involved. Saying he understands her side because she’s not herself she’s having a breakdown and that I’m just spoiling for a fight. So now I’m not speaking to him either. She’s having a breakdown that involves being absolutely fine to see all her friends, do what she pleases when she pleases, lay her demands on me and yet I’m somehow the one in the wrong? I don’t think so! I have literally done everything for this family for months and months on end with no thanks, no support for me when I need it I just have to get on and quite frankly it’s a lonely place to be. Sick of hearing the absolute bollocks that I’m part of this family. Yeah cinderella was part of her family too and still got treat like shit. I’m literally going to explode.

Planning a wedding, sorting out his nana all the time, dealing with aunts never ending list of demands, having a stressful time at work and guess what no time left for me to just relax at the end of it. Best of it is, they’ll be like ah why you miserable for? Your always mopey, why don’t you want to go out and do stuff, why are you always tired? Like it’s some massive puzzle. I think it’s quite bloody obvious why am knackered. I’m mentally fried here. I have nobody to sort my shit out. All I know is I can’t go on like this because it’s affecting my mental health badly and what’s more shit is the fact I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, talk about it calmly. It’s resolved nothing. It’s causing arguments between me and my partner and we are getting married in 4 weeks. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I can’t carry this weight alone for much longer, I’m going to let go and if it all crashes down around his aunt then so be it because at this point it’s my survival or hers and I have to save myself. I CANNOT AND WILL NOT have another bipolar breakdown because she’s pushed me into the abyss. Everyone is going to have to deal with it because I’m done, I am doing fuck all else for now because I need a break! I need to recharge. I have too much on my plate without other people’s stuff being added!

Really need a chat with my senior at work too because I’m sick of things being lumbered onto me too in there. Like sorting others mistakes out and being left to sort absolute awful things out by myself and I think it’s bang out of order because it’s not my mistake to sort. Why should I have the absolute head blag of that. Having to stand typing every single barcode into the machine to look at the graphs because nobody tried sorting anything out for 4 whole days. Having to phone and apologise to people for other people’s mistakes like I’m the culprit. It’s a joke! I nearly burst into tears today because of it. I wanna go back to the happy times of Saturday before it all went to shit again. I feel so angry. I feel so sad inside. I feel tired. I feel scared. I feel like I’m losing control a bit.

Rant of The Week

Thank god I have my hen party in a couple of days to distract me from the fact I want to go fuck some people up. Bitch about me, that’s bad enough, start on my friends and that’s where I draw the line. I’m fiercely protective of my friends. You talk badly about them or hurt them, your going to be sorry! I can’t help but get enraged.

So twat, yes the one from my other blog post who thought she’d just flap her gums about my mental health again was stood with the rest of her coven chatting shit about a friend of mine. A friend who’s had really bad anxiety issues lately, has been really struggling and is doing remarkably well considering. The sweetest most caring girl ever, wouldn’t hurt a fly. How fucking dare you! You fat low life bastard. Just because your bitter that your life is a shit doesn’t give you the right to pick on other people. Maybe you’d find a fella if you weren’t such a nasty piece of work. Maybe you’d have some real friends not just your circle of evil. The circle of evil who by the way spent their time slating you when you were off. Shame really because your really pretty on the outside, shame that the inside is gnarly, ugly and fucked up. Your an absolute coward as well because you deny your own words. You should be big enough to own up to what you say about people, go say it to their face. But you can’t, you won’t because your a spineless little bully. I’ve told you before EXACTLY what I think of you. You didn’t like it. Boo fucking hoo. It’s getting real old though this constant barrage of shit from you and I would so much love to make you pay for every evil word that spills out of your lips about me and my friends.

Another absolute moron is the one I’ll refer to as Bongeye. Bongeye is a lonely little old goat with no family of her own so feels the need to try and steal from other families. She is absolutely besotted with my godson. Scarily so. So much so she keeps reporting my friend to social services for no reason whatsoever. She’s trying to get the baby taken off my friend, probably so she can have him. Not happening. Over my fucking dead body. How fucking dare you report her. She’s done absolutely nothing wrong. That lad is loved and cared for very well. He is the happiest chattiest kid I’ve ever known. It’s not helping my friend one bit either, she had post natal depression, she’s struggled and she’s pulled herself out from that and developed into the most incredible devoted mum ever. I am so proud of her! All these calls from the social aren’t helping her mentally and it’s going to fucking stop! Claiming she’s never with her kid, never takes him out, never feeds him. What fucking planet is this bitch on? She takes him to playgroup all the time, she’s with him constantly, she feeds him healthy well balanced meals and I know this because I too am around my godson regularly. It’s complete and utter slander. I’m raging about it! I don’t know if I want to just throttle her or what. She’s been warned now so if she does this again then she’ll face the consequences of her actions. Evil twisted piece of shit.

Well I’m glad I got that rant out so I don’t have to sit n stew over it and I can look forward to the positive things happening this weekend! Phewww! I’m also thankful my anger has got to the point where I can do this instead of just lashing out. Old me would have bust those bitches up by now. But that just gets me in trouble, no matter how much they deserve it!